


you waited smiling for this?

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, References to Depression, short and kinda sad, this is what happens when i listen to sad music at 3am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 16:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18995890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: it used to be so easy, to just write a script, set up a camera and make a video. it hurts how much things have changed.





	you waited smiling for this?

**Author's Note:**

> i can't sleep and i was listening to dodie and i thought about this and had to write it. it's literally just pure angst but whatever lmao enjoy  
> title from burned out by dodie

he wants to upload. he really, really wants to. it's becoming painful now, the desperation to just get something out there. but the silence hangs heavy, and he feels like it's almost too much to break. he's spent a lot of time in his head this year, too much time. and all the while, he's watched phil bust out video after video, carrying the whole fanbase on his back. he sees people disappointed at phil, saying that his content is boring or uninspired. really he knows their anger is just misdirected, that it's him they're angry at really.

the longer he leaves it, the more he feels like his comeback needs to be perfect. it's becoming more than just a video. he's spent the past year seeing people get fed up of waiting and leaving, unsubscribing, moving on to find new interests. he can hardly blame them. people think he's never going to return. at this point he's not even sure if he's going to return. maybe it's just been too long. surely things can never go back the way they were after this.

sometimes he sees positivity. he sees people saying that he could upload absolutely anything and they would be happy, but they deserve better than that and he knows it. they deserve an explanation, he knows. he's left them hanging too long.

he should talk about it. he should talk about how he left it too long and now going back is getting more and more difficult. he thinks some of them might even understand. it's not even just procrastination any more, it's so much more than that. people's expectations weigh heavy and draining on his shoulders. he feels how he felt after cramming a night before an exam in university: burned out. he hates this feeling. too exhausted to function or do what he needs to do, but he's not done anything to get to this point of exhaustion. he's just. there.

even just thinking about filming can sometimes make him angry at himself. he should just be able to do it. why can't he just do it? it used to be so easy, to just write a script, set up a camera and make a video. it hurts how much things have changed. he's always telling himself he's gone through hell and come out the other side, and he _has_ , but in times like these it feels like he's not quite out of the dark yet.

sometimes, on the worse days, he'll feel the anger bubbling towards other people. other people who put too much expectation on him, who say he should communicate more and explain what's going on. and he should, he knows he should. he's just sick of being angry at himself. he pretends it helps to direct that at someone else.

what hurts the most is that, amongst everything else, phil is carrying him too. on the good days, phil smiles and offers his own brand of gentle phillish optimism. on the bad days, phil makes healthy dinners and reminds dan to shower and drink water. it aches in his chest when he thinks about it too much, about how much he doesn't deserve this man. a few times he catches himself starting to get angry at phil for staying with dan when he could have anyone of his choosing, and he has to stop himself before it spills over the edge and he snaps. he'd rather be angry at himself.

he wonders, at april fools, if it's too much to joke that he's uploading. phil tells him it'd be funny, and he does his best to believe him. he makes sure to add that he will upload when he's ready, giving them what he hopes is a little of the communication they want and deserve. the unexpected rush of love he receives hits him like a train. tears prick his eyes as he reads through tweets of love and support, a quiet sob escapes his lips. he has to close his laptop when it gets too overwhelming. he really doesn't know what he did to deserve this unconditional love from his subscribers. he lets himself cry a little longer, until he feels phil's arms around him and kiss after kiss to his forehead. _i don't deserve them,_ he whispers. he thinks phil doesn't hear it. he hopes phil doesn't hear it. he knows how much phil hates it when he says that. _shhhh_ , phil murmurs. phil heard. he tries to ignore the ache that begins like a bruise in his chest. _don't think about that right now_ , phil tells him softly, _just let them love you a little while_. he knows phil is one of _them_ , too.

he takes the time, after that, to actively pull himself up. to focus on the positive, to remember that there were people who want to wait until he produces something he's happy with. he lets himself remember hearing stories of how he's helped people, how a well-written script inspired someone to pick themself up from rock bottom, how some kind words on a live stream pulled someone out of a panic attack. people look to him for gentle wisdom and lighthearted jokes, something to soften the blow of a harsh reality. people, just like him, trying to discover themselves as they go through life. he's truly proud of the fact that he's evolved from the small series about how people annoy him, or how he's a fail, into someone who's finally talked about his struggles and helped others to identify their issues and begin to start their own roads to recovery. he's always wanted to offer help and comfort, even from the start. he hopes that will be his legacy. he just needs to dig a little deeper, and find it within himself to build that up a little more.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


End file.
